I hate you. You’re the worst mum in the world!
It’s a sentence that can feel heartbreaking to parents. You try to set a boundary with your little one and they lash out with “I hate you”.
Those words land can like a punch. Even when you know, deep down, that your child doesn’t really mean it.
Why do kids say this? And how can you respond?
Hitting a nerve
Part of what makes “I hate you” so hard to hear is that it can touch on something most parents quietly worry about. “Am I doing this right?”, “Am I a good parent?”.
Being on the receiving end can also be unexpectedly triggering. For parents who grew up in households where strong emotions were dismissed, minimised, or hidden, a child’s emotional outburst can feel alarming, disrespectful or even shameful. Your instinct might be to shut it down quickly, or to feel something has gone badly wrong.
What’s going on when a child says ‘I hate you’?
Try not to read too much into it if you child says “I hate you”. Young children, especially those under six, are in the early stages of learning how to understand and regulate their emotions. The part of their brain responsible for regulating emotions, is still very much developing.
While this is most common in young children, children of all ages can struggle to find words for overwhelming feelings.
When a young child is overwhelmed by an emotion (like anger at being told no or disappointment of being told to leave the playground), they often don’t have the language to help them express these big feelings.
So they may use the strongest words they know without understanding the true meaning.
The good news is children are most likely to express big, uncomfortable emotions with the people they feel safest with. They trust that this person can handle their feelings, and are confident their love is unconditional. This reflects a strong, secure parent-child relationship.
What can parents do in the moment?
1. Take a breath before you respond
Notice what this brings up for you. Where you can, take a moment to regulate your own emotions so you can model emotion regulation for your child.
2. Acknowledge and validate the emotion
Before anything else, name what you’re seeing. For example, “I can see you’re really angry right now. That makes sense. You really wanted to keep playing, and it’s hard when we have to stop.”
This isn’t about agreeing with the outburst. It’s about letting your child know their feeling has been seen and that anger itself is OK. Strong emotions need acknowledging before they can settle. Teaching children all emotions are OK early on sets them up for strong emotional regulation skills later on.
3. Stay present while the feeling passes
Once you have acknowledged the feeling try to avoid problem-solving straight away. Staying present (keeping your attention on your child — resisting the urge to walk away, pick up your phone, or move straight to problem-solving) and helping your child ride out the big emotion and find a calmer state is the goal.
For some children, they may respond well to a hug or having you sit calmly next to them. Other children may want more space. Staying calm and being present is often enough to help a child regulate their emotions.
4. Gently name the limit
Once there is more calm, gently remind your child that while all emotions are OK, telling someone you hate them can hurt their feelings. For example, “It’s OK to feel angry but it’s not OK to say I hate you. What else could you say next time?”
5. Reconnect
Once your child is calm, find a way to show they are safe and loved. Repairing a situation after conflict is one of the strongest ways to build and sustain a secure attachment – or the bond between parent and child. This is also an important way to model respect, even during times of conflict. You could say, “That was hard. You were really upset. I love you, even when you’re angry.”
6. Help build their emotional literacy
Teaching kids to recognise and name all their emotions can help give them the words to say “I’m angry” next time. Integrating this into play and via books can be useful. Practising strategies that help them respond to strong emotions (for example, jumping up and down, colouring, going outside, petting a pet) when they are calm, can help kids when intense emotions do show up.
7. Remember that support is available
If you find yourself upset about these moments often, or they are bringing up things for you, it’s worth reaching out for support. Talking to someone, whether that’s a friend, a GP, a psychologist or a helpline, can really make a difference and help parents be in a place to better manage when these situations come up.
If this article has raised issues for you, some helplines include:
PANDA — 1300 726 306 (for perinatal mental health, which is also relevant if the parent is also experiencing postnatal difficulties)
Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636
Mensline- 1300 78 99 78 (a free telephone and online counselling service offering support for Australian men anywhere, anytime)
13YARN — 13 92 76 (for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples)
