If your child has ever dug their heels in on the morning of the school athletics or cross country day, or refused to speak in front of the class, you’re not alone.
For some children, these kinds of events bring a heavy, anxious feeling: what if I’m the slowest, what if everyone’s watching, what if I get it wrong?
For parents, it can be hard to know what to do. Push too hard and the morning becomes a meltdown. Let them off and you worry you’ve taught them to opt out.
Is it ever okay to follow their lead? And how do you give them the best chance of having a go next time?
Why (gently) facing fears matters
When we avoid something we’re afraid of, we feel instant relief. That relief is powerful, and it teaches the brain that avoiding worked. Over time, the fear grows and the impulse to avoid gets stronger. This is true for all of us, not just children.
So, in general, it helps for children to face fears sooner rather than later, before avoidance settles in.
But that doesn’t mean forcing a child through a panic. Pushing too hard can confirm to them the situation really is dangerous.
It’s worth helping your child face the fear before avoidance takes hold. What that looks like depends on what’s driving it.
Start by understanding what’s going on
If you can see a tricky day coming, talk to your child about how they are feeling ahead of time. Ask gentle questions to work out what the resistance is actually about.
Did something happen last time? Is something going on with friends? Is your child worried about failing, being judged, or being laughed at?
You might say:
I noticed you got really quiet when Dad mentioned athletics day. Is something about it worrying you?
Children won’t always have the words straight away, so give them time. It can help to have these conversations side-by-side rather than face-to-face: at bedtime, walking or driving together. Without eye contact, children find it easier to think and talk about hard things.
Try not to jump in to say “you’ll be fine” or “there’s nothing to worry about”. This can come across as dismissing the feeling, and your child may stop talking. Just listening can help children open up.
Validate the feeling
Once you have a sense of what’s going on, let your child know the feeling makes sense before moving to suggesting what to do. Children find it easier to think about solutions once they feel heard. You might say:
I can see this feels really big right now. It makes sense you’re worried.
Pause and stay silent for a moment. They may start crying, which is often part of processing fears.
This is often when we are tempted to rescue or reassure them. Instead, try to just remain a supportive presence. You can offer a hug and say, “This sounds really hard”.
Then work out a plan together
At this point, help your child think about what taking part might look like in a way that feels safe and manageable for them. You might say:
I wonder what might make it easier to go? What’s one small part of it you think you could manage?
Options might be walking the cross country instead of running it, reading the speech to one trusted teacher before presenting to the class, or going along and just observing to start with.
For some events, it’s worth having a quiet word with the teacher too, so the plan works at school as well as at home. The goal isn’t a perfect performance, it’s helping your child take part in a way they can manage.
Try not to rush or pressure them. If they say “I don’t know” acknowledge it can be hard to think when you are feeling worried. Sometimes it helps to take a brief break and come back to explore options later.
On the day
You can calmly remind them of what has been discussed. It can help to state what you would like to happen and then provide opportunity for the child to express how they are feeling:
It’s time to go. I know this is not easy and a part of you really doesn’t want to do this.
If they become upset, stay close and let the feelings be there. You don’t need to fix it or hurry them through it. A hand on their back or a quiet “I’m here” is often enough.
Children often need to feel their fear before they can move through it. This is where courage grows. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s being able to move forward even when fear is present.
When children see they can carry their worries and still take part, they begin to develop confidence in their ability to cope with challenges.
Is it ever okay to follow their lead?
Sometimes, yes, if your child is really distressed, a brief step back will help them regain a sense of control.
A one-off opt-out isn’t a problem, and children are allowed to dislike things.
The warning sign is a pattern: when avoidance is creeping in more often, or your child is missing out on things they actually want to do.
If there’s a history of bullying, a bad past experience, or their fear and anxiety is starting to limit daily life, it’s worth seeing your GP for a referral to a psychologist who works with children.
How to approach ‘achievement’ and ‘participation’ in general
Most of what helps a child “have a go” is built in to the everyday conversations at home, not on the morning of the event. It’s about gently setting expectations: that we don’t always have to win, be the best, or get it right, and that’s okay.
A few themes are worth weaving in often.
The first is everyone has different brains and bodies so some things will come more or less easily to each of us. Difference is normal, and worth admiring rather than ranking. You might say:
I loved learning from my colleague Penny at work today. She knows so much about how water works in the environment.
The second is that skill is built, not bestowed. Children often think of sport, music or performance as fixed talents you either have or you don’t. But ability develops with practice. A child who plays sport every day will find running at athletics day easier, because they’ve put in the time, not because they were born for it.
The third is to help children notice progress against their own past self, rather than the ranking.
Last week you could swim 20 metres, and now you are swimming almost 30!
And the fourth, persisting at something hard is the real achievement. It’s easy to do what you’re already good at. Sticking with the thing that doesn’t come easily is harder, and worth naming when you see it.
I can see how frustrated you are with your reading. Keeping going – when it’s this hard is the bit I’m most proud of.
The goal isn’t a fearless child
The goal is a child who learns, over time and in small steps, that they can do hard things, and that being different from the child next to them is okay and a normal part of life.
